“Fag.”
“Queer.”
“Homo.”
These are the words I heard gays, lesbians, and transgender individuals referred to by my father as I was growing up. Even as a child, I knew that these words hurt some part of me deep inside, but I never understood why . . .
One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when my friends call something they don’t like, or something they don’t agree with “gay.” Before I get into my own story, though, maybe I should start with my dad’s. My dad is a man in every sense of the word, in both physiology and demeanor – the man exudes pure masculinity. The oldest of 4 boys, he grew up in the “slums” of East L.A. Once he graduated high school, he enlisted in the U.S. Marine Corps, and after he came back from fighting in Vietnam, thanks to the G.I. Bill, he earned his Bachelor’s Degree from Cal State Los Angeles, and played for four years on the varsity wrestling team.
I love my dad very much, and am proud to be his daughter. That being said, it took me a very long to come to terms with his EXTREME form of homophobia. The man has a serious illness – my freshman year in high school, when I decided to participate in the AIDS Walk Los Angeles and asked my dad to sponsor me (a.k.a. give me money), he got mad and asked me, “What do you want to help those fags and queers for?”
His homophobia has particularly gotten to me recently, especially since one of my very close friends, who I respect the hell out of, is gay. During the last week of summer vacation, my dad and I were on the verge of not speaking to one another because I wanted so badly to volunteer at an AIDS clinic downtown, in a predominantly gay neighborhood, and he was so very much against me having anything to do with the “queers down there”. As of late however, I’ve been meditating on the differences between masculinity and femininity, and what is perceived as being either masculine or feminine qualities/traits, which has brought me to the conclusion that my dad (and most of society if we’re speaking honestly here) has a mixed-up, very confused perception of what is “being a man” as opposed to what is “being a woman.” I feel like my dad, being as protective of his “masculinity” as he is, doesn’t want to understand why a person “chooses” to be gay, to the point where homosexuality is such a foreign concept to him that the thought of it frightens him, and that this fear of such a radically different mindset, a mindset that doesn’t value the traditional “masculine” values that he himself holds so near and dear to his heart, forces him to lash out in ways that hurt other people, both gay and straight.
In my eyes, how is it right, ever, in any context, to judge something as innate in another human being as the gender to which someone is attracted to? To label being attracted to the opposite sex as being right and being attracted to the same sex as being wrong? Is it wrong, then, to have naturally dark skin? Light eyes? How is it okay to demand someone stop being something that is so fundamental within themselves as the kind of person they are attracted to? A person cannot help who they’re attracted to! If they could, don’t you think they’d choose to be attracted to whatever society judges as being “the norm?” Do you think people ENJOY being ostracized and stereotyped against for a “life choice” they have such a lack of control over?
And this is why I have to make change. I have to be the change in the world that my dad refuses to be. I want to see gays, lesbians, and transgender individuals, those deemed as outcasts of our society, not good enough to be protected under the law like any other citizens (we’re talking gay marriage here, people), judged as inadequate sub humans that 38/50 states retain the right to deny equal opportunities for employment to, I want to see these people demand respect. I want to see these people be recognized for the brilliant scientists, the passionate, eloquent thinkers, and the creative souls that they are, instead of being discriminated against based on one minute facet of their person. I want these people to be treated like people. I want equality.
“Queer.”
“Homo.”
These are the words I heard gays, lesbians, and transgender individuals referred to by my father as I was growing up. Even as a child, I knew that these words hurt some part of me deep inside, but I never understood why . . .
One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when my friends call something they don’t like, or something they don’t agree with “gay.” Before I get into my own story, though, maybe I should start with my dad’s. My dad is a man in every sense of the word, in both physiology and demeanor – the man exudes pure masculinity. The oldest of 4 boys, he grew up in the “slums” of East L.A. Once he graduated high school, he enlisted in the U.S. Marine Corps, and after he came back from fighting in Vietnam, thanks to the G.I. Bill, he earned his Bachelor’s Degree from Cal State Los Angeles, and played for four years on the varsity wrestling team.
I love my dad very much, and am proud to be his daughter. That being said, it took me a very long to come to terms with his EXTREME form of homophobia. The man has a serious illness – my freshman year in high school, when I decided to participate in the AIDS Walk Los Angeles and asked my dad to sponsor me (a.k.a. give me money), he got mad and asked me, “What do you want to help those fags and queers for?”
His homophobia has particularly gotten to me recently, especially since one of my very close friends, who I respect the hell out of, is gay. During the last week of summer vacation, my dad and I were on the verge of not speaking to one another because I wanted so badly to volunteer at an AIDS clinic downtown, in a predominantly gay neighborhood, and he was so very much against me having anything to do with the “queers down there”. As of late however, I’ve been meditating on the differences between masculinity and femininity, and what is perceived as being either masculine or feminine qualities/traits, which has brought me to the conclusion that my dad (and most of society if we’re speaking honestly here) has a mixed-up, very confused perception of what is “being a man” as opposed to what is “being a woman.” I feel like my dad, being as protective of his “masculinity” as he is, doesn’t want to understand why a person “chooses” to be gay, to the point where homosexuality is such a foreign concept to him that the thought of it frightens him, and that this fear of such a radically different mindset, a mindset that doesn’t value the traditional “masculine” values that he himself holds so near and dear to his heart, forces him to lash out in ways that hurt other people, both gay and straight.
In my eyes, how is it right, ever, in any context, to judge something as innate in another human being as the gender to which someone is attracted to? To label being attracted to the opposite sex as being right and being attracted to the same sex as being wrong? Is it wrong, then, to have naturally dark skin? Light eyes? How is it okay to demand someone stop being something that is so fundamental within themselves as the kind of person they are attracted to? A person cannot help who they’re attracted to! If they could, don’t you think they’d choose to be attracted to whatever society judges as being “the norm?” Do you think people ENJOY being ostracized and stereotyped against for a “life choice” they have such a lack of control over?
And this is why I have to make change. I have to be the change in the world that my dad refuses to be. I want to see gays, lesbians, and transgender individuals, those deemed as outcasts of our society, not good enough to be protected under the law like any other citizens (we’re talking gay marriage here, people), judged as inadequate sub humans that 38/50 states retain the right to deny equal opportunities for employment to, I want to see these people demand respect. I want to see these people be recognized for the brilliant scientists, the passionate, eloquent thinkers, and the creative souls that they are, instead of being discriminated against based on one minute facet of their person. I want these people to be treated like people. I want equality.
4 comments:
You inspired ME Sara! What a great start to your blog! You are so right that homophobia is tied up so tightly with masculinity/femininity and sexism. That's one of the reasons it is so hard to overcome because it is linked in people's minds with these very fundamental notions of self-identity that are based on gender. I hope maybe someday your dad and your friend have a chance to get to know each other. That kind of connection is what often helps people like your dad turn the corner. When he discovers that valuing someone gay doesn't make him any less of a man, he'll start to come around.
way to go sara!! great start of a blog!
(came here via blue monster...)
meant to say: great start of an inspirational blog on a meaningful cause! keep it up for your loved ones, and that include both your gay friends and your dad. sometimes the hardest changes to bring about are in things and people closest to us, but it makes it all the more worthwhile and rewarding when changes do happen.
Your words are truly meaningful and spoken from your heart. I find that many people fear the unknown but it's up to some of us to keep reaching out and educate them...perhaps they'll learn from our examples...we're all on this planet together...so love one another..
thank you for sharing ...great post!
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